"Communion" by Jeanann Verlee

This always breaks my heart. Amazing stuff.

I know a boy who called his girlfriend’s body a “crime scene.” Dad, my body is a crime scene. My body is lint and gasoline and matchstick. My body is a brush fire. It’s ticking, Dad, a slow alarm. I have rain boots. Lots of them. It isn’t raining anymore. The words are coming back, Dad. The way they fit and jump in the mouth. I want ice cream and long letters. I want to read long love letters but I don’t think he loves me. I think I’m used up. I think I’m the grit under his nails, the girl who looks good in pictures. I don’t think he loves me. I think they broke me, Dad. I think I drink too much and it’s because they broke me. I heard about two girls recently, two women crushed like cherries in a boy’s jaw. It opened me, Dad. My body is melted wax, it is ripe and stink and bent. It is a mistake. I walk like an apology. I don’t hate men, Dad, I don’t. I want a washing machine. I want someone else to do the dishes, someone to walk the dog. I have a hornet in my head, Dad. A hornet. She’s an angry bitch — she hurls herself against my skull. She stings. And stings. I know I don’t make sense, Dad. This is the problem. I’m a sick girl, a crazy wishbone. I have razors under my tongue. I’m sorry I cut you, Dad, I’m so—so sorry. I gave you a card for Father’s Day once, it said you were my hero. You are. Your laugh is a thunderclap, you love like surgery. I think they broke me, Dad. I can’t erase their faces. I want to swim, Dad. Remember when I used to hopscotch? I used to make you laugh. My feet are hot. The bottoms of my feet are scorched sand, August asphalt. My body is a slug, a mob of sticky wet rot. No one touches me anymore because I’m rot. Because my body is a spill no one wants to clean up. They cracked me open, Dad, I know you don’t want to hear about it. You don’t want to hear how they scissored me, how they gnawed me like raw meat. No one wants to hear how they made me drink lemon juice, how they kicked the dog, how they upturned the furniture, no one wants to hear how my skin turned to a dark thick of purple and black and lead. I watch the homeless a lot, Dad. I watched a man with a cup of coins and chips of skin carved out of his face. He had freckles. He needs medicine, Dad. He needs to stop the hornet. My body is a hive. I am red ants and jellyfish. A yellow sickness. My body is a used condom in an alley in Jersey City. I don’t think he loves me, Dad. My body is a fetus in biohazard tank. A Polaroid pinned to a corkboard in Brooklyn. I think I’m hurt, Dad. I think I was the tough girl for too long. My body is a wafer, a thin, soft melt on a choir boy’s tongue.

Some Advice to Myself & Others

Identity is essentially the distinguishing character or personality of an individual. We establish identity by the components we characterize ourselves by such as our social environment and blood relations. Through identity, people form a deep rooted sense of uniqueness and define themselves through self-reflection. 

Personally, I have always felt that people who associate tremendously with Western culture have a great sense of entitlement. Seeing themselves as a single person, they therefore foster to a mindset in which they see their issues as singular and only carried by him/herself. I have no intent or aim to undermine anyone's experience. If one sees him/herself as an individual entity, as opposed to to a fraction of society, wouldn't that person be more likely to act in his/her self-interests because s/he is unable to look through a broader lens (when it comes to life issues)?

How one presents him/herself in society determines that person's social status. Insecurity shows through appearance; take a look at body language or fashion. Being human, I am destined to be judgmental. I will look down on that person, as will everyone else, simply because that person has no confidence in him/herself. Embracing your flaws and being comfortable with WHO and WHAT you are will ensure greater happiness. Regardless of one's experiences, as they are not the same for all, they all have potential to be more enjoyable depending on state of mind.

In life, one will always be at an advantage, while the other is at a disadvantage. Multiple things in life will come and beat us down. Try to overcome them. Mistreated? Physical confrontation? Fight back. Rebel. Do not allow anyone or yourself to question your worth. Need extra support? Ask for help. Refusal to accept your circumstances and carve a path FORWARD results in failure to yourself. Surrendering ultimately makes you weak. The greatest method of combating people that aim to invalidate your existence is by being alive. Think life is hard? Live a little.

External influences do play a fundamental role in shaping one's mental strength, but they are not absolute. EVERYONE is capable of becoming emotionally strong. Moreover, enduring these issues act as preparation for the adult world. Change is still possible and shortcomings could be transformed into pillars of strength. Mistreatment will come in all directions in a variety of shapes and forms. It is argued that people are cemented to the roles of the strong and the weak, and that is partly true, mainly because there are people who fail (or feel no need) to develop a proper defense mechanism for stressful situations. Having no way of handling it, it undoubtedly kills them. Use them as an example. Do not follow in their footsteps.

I recognize that there are circumstance in which suicide is seen as acceptable, even necessary, but in the end, death is death. You are merely a corpse 6 feet beneath the ground. What have you proven? Death truly is a tragedy, but it serves as a reminder that we are only a guest on this planet. Make use of your life while you can. When someone passes away, it is a loss for the human race–potential ideas, possible human connections... However, there are thousands and thousands of people in existence right now. Give life a chance to become pleasurable. Do not submit to death and allow your death to just become a number.

All in all, I cannot say that I fully sympathize with people who resort to such drastic means. In life, some people truly do undergo a sense of disconnect both catastrophic and intense that they are unable to fully experience joy and love. Regardless, to give up on life is a heavy cost and it deprives an individual of various opportunities for happiness. The only one to blame for your death would be yourself and you are no martyr. Do not nurture to negative thoughts and emotions; ignore parasitic bullshit. Love yourself and remember you are worth it.

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could." ~Louise Erdrich

Sex & Virginity

In today's society, the term virgin has become a label synonymous with being undesirable, prudish, or abnormally conservative. While that may be the case, there is also social stigma to having sexual experience. Being a non-virgin either equates to social status or promiscuity. It sometimes bears no such consequence. In my opinion, this can be summed up in one's viewpoint of sex, whether or not it is seen as an entirely separate matter from love and affection. For others, it is the mere result of carnal desire. In essence, sexual intercourse is a physical action, but it can have MORE meaning when involving an emotional connection.

For me, I could ever be sexually involved with another individual who I did not love. Moreover, I do not want that person to be a transient figure in my life and, simply fade away in importance and remain as a memory. To commit and deeply invest in another individual–that will undoubtedly take a heavy toll on me. Intimacy, closeness with another person, and the strength of love are all things that I treasure. I have never dated someone without thinking that person was perfect for me and that the relationship would last.

With sex, there are many responsibilities as well as consequences. I am a virgin myself partially due to my unwillingness to deal with the possible negative aftershock of sex. Sex can be seen as the aftermath of lack of control or a release to primal instinct/hormones. However, I see it as a question of whether or not s/he had exposure to a sexual education. I do not believe in shunning. It is not the perfect vaccine for people who exist in a culture where they are left complete vulnerable to peer pressure and the adverse effects of a pack mentality, nor does it does not ensure that the person will take preparatory measures for sex. With no sexual education, an individual stays ignorant and nothing will dissuade him/her from sex. Plus, those that are younger tend to have a mentality in which it is "cool" to take actions normally considered negative in society. A condemning response carries the assumption that the individual is not intelligent enough to make his/her own decisions and it must be chosen for him/her. To be frank, sexual intercourse is truly a decision entirely up to that individual and, no outside source should define and/or decide that for him/her.

Overall, sex is a sensitive subject and regardless of your interpretation of sex, it should involve consenting, responsible, and informed adults with access to contraceptives.

We were strangers.

We were strangers, for way too long, for way too long,

We were strangers, for way too long.

Violent, violent,

Were strangers.

Get weak all the time, may just pass the time,

Me in my own world, yeah you there beside,

The gaps are enormous, we stare from each side,

We were strangers for way too long.

Violent, more violent, his hand cracks the chair,

Moves on reaction, then slumps in despair,

Trapped in a cage and surrendered too soon,

Me in my own world, the one that you knew,

For way too long.

We were strangers, for way too long.

We were strangers,

We were strangers, for way too long.

For way too long.

Feminism

An underlying theme in the problems revolving around feminism is the concept that women are believed to suffer much more in her social environment in comparison to men. The founding principle of feminism was gender equality, yet it seems to be movement whose morals have become diluted and taken over entirely by radical, anti-misogynist, misandric extremists. Feminism in itself seems to have become sexist.

Lately, I have noticed a great influx of "feminist" spirit in people. Perhaps this is only my area and the people I associate with. Male privilege this, male privilege that. I thought the main purpose of feminism was to establish gender equality. Wouldn't this be a direct show of absolute hypocrisy that undermines male issues and forces them into a marginal position?

Bearing this in mind, I believe people tend to forget that there are FEMALE privileges as well. For one, females have the power to openly discuss how men have little to no issues without being labeled sexist. Another one is having people concerned about you walking alone, while a male is expected to "toughen up" and be a man when face-to-face with those dark streets. The list is endless and subjective.

All in all, women do have privileges, as do men. Being aware of these privileges do not negate the suffering of that gender itself. When one social group has an advantage, the other typically has a disadvantage.

Other problems that I have noticed in regards to how feminism is carried out is its expectations and the impossibility of it.

One of the reoccurring arguments of feminism that I have noticed is that people should ALWAYS respect others for their sexuality. On a social network, a lesbian peer of mine claimed that she was rejected from a job opportunity in Idaho simply on the basis of her sexuality and claimed it was a feminist issue, yet I saw her a moment later "liking" a page that bashes on women, or as they were referred to on the page... sluts. Personally, I found it incredibly ironic for someone to feel disrespected because of her sexuality and condone this type of condescending attitude when it came to other female's sexual behavior...

Dressing in a promiscuous manner can be seen as a characteristic, as in that person does not respect his or herself. Firstly, people are entitled to pass judgement on others. Moreover, if a man or woman does not respect him or herself, it is absurd for him or her to demand or expect respect from all persons. However, a controversial topic such as this will undoubtedly cross into another sensitive subject: rape. While I believe that no individual automatically deserves respect, a person's way of dress is no invitation for sexual harassment or exploitation.

Like any other movement, feminism carries its far share of holes in its arguments. If I would have to base social problems on immutable physical aspects, I find ethnicity and identity to be much more applicable, as well as broad.

Although racism is not as prevalent as before, it is subtle and its vestiges are still found pervading the confines of the United States. With the Anglo-Saxon race as the majority, minorities often feel obligated to assimilate. Having had a white majority, they are held to a higher esteem and non-whites’ must endure unequal treatment, along with alienation and condemnation for their differences. For example, studies have shown that an equal distribution of people among races commit crimes, yet people of color are more likely to be charged for their heinous crimes.

Cross-group interactions between dissimilar races can reduce tension and increase more empathy among the majority toward minorities. In spite of that, that is only possible if the minority conforms, making the acculturation process unequal. They must deteriorate their cultural foundation and submit to the culture of the majority. As a result, they develop a condition of hybrid identity, an aftermath of racial prejudice.

However, minority problems are not a mere problems that involve race. Women with executive positions in the professional world can also constitute as a minority. Three white men in group full of Chinese females would also be a minority. Although one social group may be afflicted to tremendous distress, it does not trivialize or exempt the other group from having problems. It may not be distressful to the same extent or matter, but problems remain as problems; it is a matter of whether or not YOU will acknowledge them.

The framework or argument for majority-minority issues carry the same basic principles: a formula of subjugation of a smaller social group who must then acculturate to a larger group. (When ethnological identification becomes a factor, it becomes post-colonialism.) It is assumed that minorities, being smaller in number as well as power, are thrown into a world of despotic rule in which the majority is the authority. Typically, those of Caucasian descent have an social advantage, in the form of what is known as "white privilege." The minority, having become spiteful, identifies deeply with issues founded completely on race or socioeconomic differences, resulting in a sense of racism. By categorizing problems by these defining (physical) qualities, bias comes into play and for lack of better words, they fail to recognize their inadequacies AND see the "big picture."

These issues are not a gender based dilemma, nor is it a matter of ethnicity. PEOPLE that cannot fit within the parameters of social normality are thrust into a world full of maltreatment. Cut the identification with these physical aspects. Be courteous because that person is HUMAN. Remove your narrow-minded expectations and put little emphasis on petty physical attributes. People are entitled to the same human rights; it does not recognize a boundary between gender, race, or religion beliefs, nor does it hold any group of people with more regard than the other. Doing so would be an act of marginalization and devaluation through favoritism and selection. In conclusion, dissimilarities are irreconcilable, but they should be embraced with utmost respect instead of bigotry and criticism.

Dreams

By the end of one's lifetime, that individual will have spent a quarter of his or her life dreaming, absolutely spinning in fantasies. The rest of his or her waking hours will be spent entirely on the external world... When s/he reclines and submits into what feels like a dreaming oblivion, the brain will try to decipher and interpret external stimuli in the waking world. Dreams are essentially the random firing of neuron cells into the brain. It is the brain's attempts to make sense of information (that we are already aware of) by processing emotional memories, integrating new experiences with established memories, creating new strategies or methods of completing tasks, simulating threatening events to help us develop defense mechanisms against them, or reorganizing and consolidating memories. Bearing this in mind, this sometimes gives us greater insight or it is completely nonsensical. Acting as an indication of our mental health and connecting us to our subconscious mind, dreams help provide meaning for our past, present, and future by keeping us in tune with our emotions.

If my dreams are a mirror of myself and my troubles, that makes me wonder about what my dreams are telling me about myself. I've had two dreams that are troubling me. Both seem to be out of the ordinary.

In my first dream, I dreamt of a young boy. Every time he got close to someone, that person would die. As it turns out, the spirit of a young girl stuck close to him and killed people. To stop her killings, the boy had to put her spirit to rest. In his case, he had to kill her father, who turned out to be a serial killer. He completed an investigation with a female friend of his and found the serial killer's house. For some reason, I was suddenly with them, helping them out with the investigation. Inside the house, they found mutilated bodies and dismembered body parts. The serial killer saw us and gave us time to escape so he could have some "fun." The boy and his friend were running in front of me and I couldn't keep up with their pace, so I ended up hiding behind a bush. The serial killer released his vicious dogs. Doberman Pinschers, to be more specific. My dream ended with the serial killer chasing them, along with his dogs, and with me behind the bush, waiting for a chance to escape.

As for my second dream, I dreamt of a man talking to an inmate in jail. They were left with the task of fixing or watching a metal hand. At the sight of the metal hand, the man had a flashback about his son. He cut off his son's hands with a pair of blunt scissors and I'm not sure if he killed his son. After telling this story to the inmate, he went out to throw out a black bag full of trash. Upon returning, the other man stabbed him with the metal hand. Attached to the metal hand was the man's son's decaying hand.

I looked up interpretations of themes in dreams:

Chasing: 

"This extremely common dream is thought to indicate that the person is under tremendous stress in the waking world. It can also mean that the person is feeling attacked and threatened – either by a person or by powerful emotions that the dreamer finds hard to contain and control."

"Psychologists tend to think that 'chase dreams' occur when we are unable to cope with our fears and have trouble facing reality. Once ignored, these thoughts and images manifest over time in our unconscious mind, then is released during sleep in the form as a chase dream. These fears include stress, anxiety and phobias that we have overlooked and now it rearing it’s ugly head."

Killers: 

"To see a killer in your dream, suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something."

"Killing in your dreams does not make you a closet murderer; it represents your desire to 'kill' part of your own personality. It can also symbolize hostility towards a particular person and the desire to see them suffer."
 
Stabbing:

"To dream that you have been stabbed signifies your struggle with power. You are experiencing feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are feeling betrayed as reflected by the popular phrase, 'being stabbed in the back'."

"To dream that you stab someone indicates your fear of betrayal and your untrusting nature. You are being overly defensive."

What am I overlooking?