Looks like I can't sleep tonight. Already 3:14 AM and my thoughts are just in a jumbled up bunch, exploding and bouncing about in my head. As always, I am thinking about the future and an artistic career. I'm only 18 and I've barely tasted life. I cannot possibly fathom how people can easily decide where and what they want to do with their lives. In about 17 years, an enormous decision must be made: choose a college as well as major, and use that as a setting point to guide you for the rest of your lives. I can't do that.

Hopefully I do not give off an arrogant impression–I know I carry an artistic capacity. While I am not the most talented, I do have some talent in art. I chose not to pursue an art career directly by attending an art school. In fact, I am in community college, partly because I am nervous and insecure, partly because I want to avoid making a concrete decision, partly because I am afraid of the hardships of pursuing my impossible, yet reachable dreams, and partly because I don't want to see myself fail if I do fail. (I plan to transfer to an art school later on though.)

An insurance agent visited my household the other day to discuss finance with my parents and implement added structure to our past insurance plan. He asked about my older brother and his future. Then, the topic changed to me and my aspirations.

Insurance Agent: So what does Stephanie want to do? Does she have a job yet?
Mom: She is going to have a job. (My first day of work was after this day.) And she says she wants to go into fine arts. We are letting them (my brothers & I) make their own decisions and they're adults.
Insurance Agent: (laughs) Don't like only 10% only make it? It sounds interesting, but I don't think that's financially stable.
Mom: Well, she will have to learn for herself.

Yesterday, I met an employee from Amgen Inc. What he told me was also disheartening. He suggested that my endeavors with art should be switched over to science. I don't doubt that a career associated with the study of science would be extremely rewarding, but I simply cannot see myself in that field. As I continued my conversation with him, he suggested doing art "on the side" with science as my main focus. From childhood to even now, I have remained passionate about art and to hear those mincing words yet again, I feel bitter.

As of now, my feelings would be best described as "shaken." I don't feel like I have a strong support system and the constant spewing of the difficulties of an art based career doesn't soothe my lack of confidence. I remember my friend's father, a successful commercial artist, telling me the difficulties of the pursuit for an artistic future. It was not a "you cannot survive being an artist," but "it is difficult to become an artist because you need a great deal of training and heart." He has reworded that to me several times and me, being the weak person that I am, let those words trouble me. When I am unable to affirm my worth and value my skills, I convince myself that I cannot become what I want to become, because I do not take it seriously. In reality, it seems that I take it so seriously that I discourage myself. Not surprisingly, I am my worst critic.

Funny how revelations come late at night. I suddenly had a rush of memories and remembered how he told me that art was his greatest passion, that he took whatever art class caught his interest, that he honed his skill as an artist, and with that knowledge blended together, he was able to decipher a specific art job to dedicate himself to for the rest of his life. That being said, I will try to stop complicating my situation and when I am in an art school, I will take part in as many art classes possible that appeal to me and dictate my life. Call me a selfish American girl, but if not many people believe in me, I suppose I will have to pave my own path. The decision has not come easy for me, and skirting around instead of directing myself under a specific art path seems stressful. I have wasted so much time. I will let my interests guide and I will decide from there.

Also, according to The Huffington Post, graphic design, multimedia artists/animators, architecture, and interior design are fields with bright futures. Perhaps I will look into that and find light where I have always found a dark, uncertain unknown. I've been be intensely focused on fashion; maybe I should learn to design patterns and prints! I really don't know. I'm scared and this stressful mindset isn't helping me. I just need to be hopeful and let the pieces fall where they fall.