College & Life

Last week, I started the high school extension program commonly known as community college. Today marks my third day there. To be honest, it feels like a big, fat joke. Life is such a joke.

Moving forward simply frightens me, yet I don't want to be chained to the present. However, that stressful phase of my life was mundane with its daily routine, but I found comfort in its sameness. At the same time, half of me wanted to leave this place, forget everyone and everything associated with what I call "home." My last two years of high school was spent in extreme anxiety. I was simply overwhelmed and scared–about the future, the present, everything, thinking to myself, "Should I take a step forward? Or step back?" As a result, I didn't make any big step and here I am, stuck in a small community college. It's a baby step, but it's worth SOMETHING.

When I attended my first college class, I realized how... easy it was. Really, it's all a matter of perception. In my head, I overcomplicated the concept of life after high school. Perhaps I am too sheltered. Perhaps I am too much of a perfectionist at heart and drastic change is too great for me to process. I am NOT comfortable with mapping out my entire life in the last few years of high school, being expected to carry out my plans directly after high school, utilizing a considerable sum of money on academics and on a new lifestyle, and leaving myself so vulnerable.

Most peers would call me mature, but at this stage in my life, I would say I am far from a responsible, capable young adult. I recognize my artistic talent and my academic abilities, but I am not confident. I revamped my wardrobe; I'm not going to rush myself. Step by step, I am growing up until I feel secure with myself, my life, and my talents, all to become the respectable college student I expect myself to be.