Greeeeeat. Just GREAT. Another creep. This time, it’s one at work and slowly, it has become a common theme in my life. Encounter after encounter, I have become increasingly repulsed and evasive with men. Unwanted physical contact and uncomfortable conversations are not pleasant. As my friend Raphael says, it’s a “perk to being a cute little Asian girl.” Ha. Ha. Ha. Nooot.

Several months ago, I had a tremendously awkward experience with my friend’s roommate, who repeatedly put me in an unusual social position. Let’s call him “D.” D sent me messages every day and night, despite my disinterested attitude. For me, receiving this type of attention is very unfamiliar, bizarre, and new, and I know how to approach it… In spite of that, I did not have the confidence to be forthright in such an unsettling situation. Eventually, I asked D if he liked me. After confirming that he did, I told him to stop with this kind of behavior and for a moment, he did.

D still constantly messaged me. This time, he was talking about pursuing other “cute girls” as an attempt to arouse jealousy in me. I confronted him yet again and deleted him from my contacts list. I spoke with my friend about D and according to him, D thought I was the “shy type” or “playing hard to get.” Frankly, that annoyed me, if not infuriated me. If I tell someone I don’t like him/her, I don’t like him/her. There is only one single meaning: “I don’t like you.” Nothing else.   

Did he think he was special? How can someone be that arrogant? Is that supposed to be an excuse for my lack of attraction to a disgusting, desperate person? I can imagine him saying, “Oh, it’s because she’s shy/gay/etc. I mean, there’s no way she could resist me. There HAS to be a reason.” If there was an emoticon for rolling my eyes and indicating irritation, I would use it now.

Months later—yesterday to be exact—D decides to send me a message yet again. My response was to ignore him. I refuse to feed the ego of someone so incredibly cocky.

My first year of college overall has been full of various creepy encounters. For one, I had a stalker in the library. I’ve had a couple of “admirers” in my classes that have been too “touchy-feely.” Thinking about it is sickening. I have needed to actually tell someone to not touch me. The past semester, I have been at school around twelve hours per day and my last class finishes at around 9 PM. One of my “touchy-feely” classmates thought it was a bright idea to grab me late at night.

I am known to be a reserved person and I dislike physical contact. I did what I naturally would do—I hit him and became angry. This was the same person that I specifically told to not touch me and this was the same day I told him that. I suppose I have a very “anti-men” attitude to me now, but I believe it’s justified.

As for my coworker, he is a twenty-five-year-old male and I am nineteen. I have been receiving inappropriate physical contact from him in the form of random embraces at work. Bear in mind that I have only met this person about five times… A few nights ago, I inquired about the schedule of one of our managers and received unhelpful and unnecessary flirtatious answers. I have decided to address his over-affectionate nature and ask him to discuss only job matters with me. If his activities are continued, I will have to contact the head manager.

That being said, I’ve come to the conclusion that one cannot act soft with unbearable people and not be too generous with the chances I give, hoping that they will change and save myself a great deal of frustration and stress.

Words cannot possibly explain how pleased I am with the live action adaption of Rurouni Kenshin. I have legitimately rewatched the movie every night before I go to bed and the more I watch it, the more I fall in love with the story. Rurouni Kenshin has been a big part of my life, especially my childhood, and it has gained its own throne as my favorite show of all time. Nothing can or will ever usurp it.

Every day at dinner, starting from third grade, I was utterly immersed in the story. I was beyond obsessed and you could say I had my eyes surgically attached to the television. Eventually, the plot went in a more graphic direction and the animated show was then shown late at night. I fought against my body’s time clock and broke my curfew as much as possible to keep up with the new episodes. The last arc of the story was never animated and the show was cancelled, thus causing me to resort to reading the manga.

From images on a screen to paper, and finally translated into a physical reality, I remain astounded that the story that filled my childhood with much joy was no longer two-dimensional. I have always had a desire to see this story come to life. No matter how many times I watched or read Rurouni Kenshin, there was a sense of satisfaction, yet a yearning for completeness.

 

Creative liberties were taken with the movie and a new story was forged together with elements of the original story, combined with stunning visuals and a tremendously talented cast. The time and effort, along with love, clearly shows in this work and, it honors the nostalgic memories of Rurouni Kenshin fans while maintaining the spirit of the original. True to the story and refreshing, I can truthfully say that is an almost perfect live action adaption of an anime and I am beyond grateful that it happened to be Rurouni Kenshin.

One of my favorite ballads. I feel like its meaning will always resonate with me.

 

Growing up, I had a skewed image of myself. I wore sizes too large for my figure thanks to my mom. I bought my first tank top from Old Navy and was shocked that I could fit into an XS top. My friend thinks it was cruel of my mom to dress me in M, L, and XL.

I developed an image of what is the ideal body type according to the environment around me and constantly compared my body to others’, which left me with a sense of inadequacy and frustration. Despite being pretty lean myself, I wanted a smaller figure.

I saw my thighs as slabs of unwanted fat, pouring out from the holes of my underwear and closing the gap between my thighs. I found my arms flabby and my face chubby with the roundness of my cheeks. With pores like mine, my face would never be smooth and my eyebrows would forever remain bushy. 

Going into high school was a bit of a cultural shock. Gorgeous rich school and gorgeous rich people. At the time, I focused entirely on my academic performance and my self-esteem remained unfixed. Out of high school and into college, I saw a new chapter in my life unfolding and revamped my entire wardrobe, experimented more with makeup, and socialized at school. I focused on myself.

For me, that was a huge transition. I didn't indulge in myself and when I did, I learned my worth. Yeah, sometimes it is okay to treat yourself. With that, the weight of my negativity shed away.

I once was a girl that wanted to weigh a hundred pounds, which is foolish of me, because I would be underweight if I were. I now am nineteen-years-old young adult and I can truthfully say that I am satisfied with my appearance and body—for the most part. I struggle to accept my body even now and I should be proud of my size. What I am now is what I am meant to be—there’s no going against that. Loving yourself is a process that must take its course and a healthy body image comes with time.

Deconstructing and reforming things to make sense of it all. The old pieces no longer fit into the puzzle. Relationships form and break. Sometimes they fizzle out and you’re left holding onto the dusty ashes. The change cannot be undone and here you sit, wondering how Point A led to Point B. I’m a little nostalgic, a little saddened, and a little optimistic.

My friend left for the military not too long ago. Already, I miss that person. I have been reading past chatlogs and, thinking of the words I could have said and the actions I could have done. It’s strange how we became close in a short amount of time and that person will now be out of the state for three to five years.

Last week, my father came home with bad news. His coworker and best friend passed away. Four weeks in the hospital and he dies. Big personality, but weak lungs, kidneys, heart, and liver. Like my dad stated, “I thought Ramon was stronger.” I found myself unaffected, and then the weight of the news finally sunk in yesterday. I knew this person for four years and did not have many interactions with him, yet I found myself caring and upset. I suppose there is no real way of preparing for unfortunate events such as death. It’s always so shocking. This is the fifth death that has happened in my life. My grandfather, three students from my high school, and Ramon. 

Another change in my life has been my employment. Words cannot express how grateful I am to work in retail. #YOLO It is like HEAVEN compared to my former position as a cashier at a shitty fast food restaurant. I had known my coworkers in my previous job for about two months and I felt somewhat guilty that I was leaving them and for the possible connections that we could have had.

Despite being told about the inappropriate behavior/conduct of my managers and peers there, I still felt some level of regret and attachment. As for my new work environment, my new coworkers are far more friendly and open. Management is extremely organized, yet laidback. I am truly happier here, and I know that working here will give me the tools for being successful in the future.

With my transition into college, I have made several encounters at the library. The people I knew in my younger days weave in and out of my life. It is amazing how some bonds between people have diffused; we’re all so spread out, opening up new chapters in our lives. I’ve managed to remain close friends with many and the “best friends” that I believed would remain in my life have left. So many unexpected things unfolding before me and no defined destination in life. I don’t feel ready, but I am sure I will be fine.

I am scared of everything in my life. My life as of late is a mixture of school, work, and family issues mashed together in a wild clusterfuck. I don't feel strong. I want to cry so much. This week, I turned 19. Despite being a young adult, I feel absolutely directionless. I am helpless, frustrated, anxious, and disgusted with how overwhelming my life seems to be.

At school, I am there for long hours and I have had numerous unnecessary and unwanted encounters with men. Seeing dimensions of such behavior, I am, piece by piece, becoming increasingly suspicious men. No, I do not want you to touch me. No, I will not tolerate racism, nor will I condone sexist comments and/or invasion of privacy. I believe I have I have always kept a healthy distance from unfamiliar people, men and women, and I do not see myself as someone of a particularly sexist viewpoint. However, these negative encounters with the opposite gender have become much more frequent. Therefore, I feel that I may have to become more aware of myself and my surroundings, along with the people I associate with.

The day of my birthday, Thursday, I had a long shift and the day after, I had work from 5 AM to 10 AM. That being said, celebration of my birthday had to be postponed to Friday. Thursday night, my mother was complaining about my older brother and when I came back from work on Friday, I came home to police cars parked outside my house. I guessed correctly; my mom being the irrational person that she is, called the police to have them remove my older brother from the house. I should not have to come home from work to see my older brother being taken away by police. My parents were complaining to the police about my older brother's introverted nature and as a result, they took him to a psychiatric center, which I did not learn about until much later. I spent my entire Friday calling hospitals to find his location and dealing with terrible customer service.

My brother barely speaks to my parents. Their behavior is what repels him. They are closed-minded and overreact in the most extreme manner. I am disgusted with the fact I am related to parasitic shits that always abuse people verbally and physically. Growing up, they pushed us to achieve academically and there was always an atmosphere of fear in the household. These are the type of parents that would leave their child in the backyard for a whole night for "misbehaving." These are the same type of parents that would get upset with me for failing a test and then hit me in knee with a metal bat out of anger. Now, they rarely ever resort to violence, but they remain the excessively arrogant, authoritative people in a more subtle manner. To be frank, I am leaving out a large amount of information, but my older brother is not altogether. I have always had to protect him and I have to take care of him now.

Working part-time while going to college full-time, I am barely getting by with handling school and work. I'm stressed. Even my dog is stressed. Sophie has been sleeping in the living room instead of her bed upstairs, waiting for him for three days straight. I can't concentrate. It's just another down swing and I have to hope that it evens out, is what I keep telling myself. I have to formulate some sort of method of supporting him. My parents cannot possibly fathom how much stress I am under. My older brother nearly committed suicide when I was in eighth grade and my younger brother has ADD. Both are extremely socially anxious and introverted. To them, I am the "normal" one and most responsibilities go to me. I don't feel normal or alright. I feel overwhelmed and afraid of everything in my life. I feel alone with these type of thoughts.

Out of my brothers, I am the most social. I actually barely socialize now, as I do not have enough time, but I am not the socially awkward one in the family. I have to maintain my reputation. Responsibility of my appearance and achievements are capitalized. Lately, I have not had much time to converse with my best friend. Moreover, he is far too busy for me now. I was told that he has been depressed, leaving me frustrated because I cannot be a physical contrast troubles in his life, and as for me, I miss my best friend and I need his support as well... I don't know. I must persevere although I am taking on more than I feel that I can handle.

I.
I hate myself
I despise this world that never believed in me
As a matter of fact, I always pray and pray for these motherfuckers' downfall
Jealousy and envy always get the best of me
Next thing I know, I turn evil
But I keep fronting
Telling myself "I don't need no money and fame. Fuck 'em."
I'm a slave of this moment
I'm a slave of Time
And I'm a slave of this mundane loop of life
Yup, it's that time again
I gotta do what time tells me to do
Yes massah!
Time tells me to forget about what I want and dream and do the same thing that I do
Yes massah!
I wanna fight, break these chains, run away from this plantation of time
But I'm a coward
I won't say nothing
I can't say nothing
But when I'm drunk, I turn into a warrior from "300"
And I'm about to destroy and crush all the things that I envy
All the things that I wanna get but I will never get
I'm a coward
And I hate myself

Chorus:
Cuz when it rains, it pours but I would never give up
Gonna see the storm through and change my luck
It just another day so I know it's ok

Cuz when it rains, it pours but I would never give up
Gonna see the storm through and change my luck
It just another day so I know it's ok

II.
I live in a world, where you can even buy love with money
Half my brain is filled with money
The other half is filled with numbers
All I do is calculate
And the stairway to heaven seems so far away
You can change weather with money
You can move the hot July sun over the winter storm
One poet once told me "The definition of Haves and Have Nots is only a state of mind."
But fuck–that motherfucker's crazy
He must be smoking something when he wrote that line
But yeah, he fooled me. He fooled me good
I was a fool on a stage rocking mics, jumping around
All I wanted was to get props from the crowd
All I wanted to hear was "Hey"s and "Ho"s really loud
But things changed
I know too much
I just want to live
I just want to have
And I'm willing to do anything to live and to have
But all I know how to do is rock mics, jump around and get "Hey"s and "Ho"s
But at the end of the day, I'm out of dough
And I told you, I'm a coward
And mo'fucka, don't you dare take this shit away from me
Cuz I'll kill you
But I know I won't
Tell you the truth–I'm scared as hell, man
I told you I was a coward
I don't believe in destiny
But I blame destiny
And I blame the President
I saw a reflection of myself off the bling from a fat ride
Parked in a bougie ass mothafuckin restaurant
And that mothafucka looked so sad
I hate myself

Chorus:
Cuz when it rains it pours but I would never give up
Gonna see the storm through and change my luck
It just another day so I know it's ok

Cuz when it rains it pours but I would never give up
Gonna see the storm through and change my luck
It just another day so I know it's ok

III.
I should have prayed for my future
As much as I have prayed for your downfall
Always the next mothafucka seems to have more than me
But I have just enough to get by
If I don't hold on, I will die
Cuz this mothafucka named MYELITIS always looking for a chance to kill me
And if I don't hold on, my family will starve
I get strength from the next mothafucka that's sicker than me
The sword of guilty conscience's always sticking me, slicing my heart
And my heart feels the blade
And mothafuckin shit hurts
I try to measure the next mothafuckas happiness with mine
And I try to measure the next mothafuckas tragedy with mine
And I go crazy sometimes
Which side am I on?
But all I know for sure is that everything's a lie
Or is it?
Reporters, Grifters, Reporters, Hustlers, Reporters, Grifters, Tvs, Hustlers
Mothafuckin Propaganda
Shit, here it goes again
The media's moving the crowd's mind like I move the crowd with my mic
Yeah mothafuckas
Please take my sword away and stick it where it belongs
Please stick it in your heart
Please try
Feel my pain
Scream my name
Take my friends
Fuck it!
Take him, too
This mothafucka named Myelitis
Once you get a piece of my mind that plays tricks on me sometimes
Or maybe all the time
And please take the cyst off my mom's womb
I wrote my name on a white piece of paper–
3 Letters–"Jun Kwon Suh"
Which gave him the right to my soul
The right to my youth
Man, ten years gone.
I was prostituted, pimped, pimp slapped
My soul was at the lowest of the food chain
And shit, I'm still chained up
Even when I'm free
Yeah, I'm jealous
I envy you
And I hate you
And I hate myself for that