Sunday, April 7, 2013

I am scared of everything in my life. My life as of late is a mixture of school, work, and family issues mashed together in a wild clusterfuck. I don't feel strong. I want to cry so much. This week, I turned 19. Despite being a young adult, I feel absolutely directionless. I am helpless, frustrated, anxious, and disgusted with how overwhelming my life seems to be.

At school, I am there for long hours and I have had numerous unnecessary and unwanted encounters with men. Seeing dimensions of such behavior, I am, piece by piece, becoming increasingly suspicious men. No, I do not want you to touch me. No, I will not tolerate racism, nor will I condone sexist comments and/or invasion of privacy. I believe I have I have always kept a healthy distance from unfamiliar people, men and women, and I do not see myself as someone of a particularly sexist viewpoint. However, these negative encounters with the opposite gender have become much more frequent. Therefore, I feel that I may have to become more aware of myself and my surroundings, along with the people I associate with.

The day of my birthday, Thursday, I had a long shift and the day after, I had work from 5 AM to 10 AM. That being said, celebration of my birthday had to be postponed to Friday. Thursday night, my mother was complaining about my older brother and when I came back from work on Friday, I came home to police cars parked outside my house. I guessed correctly; my mom being the irrational person that she is, called the police to have them remove my older brother from the house. I should not have to come home from work to see my older brother being taken away by police. My parents were complaining to the police about my older brother's introverted nature and as a result, they took him to a psychiatric center, which I did not learn about until much later. I spent my entire Friday calling hospitals to find his location and dealing with terrible customer service.

My brother barely speaks to my parents. Their behavior is what repels him. They are closed-minded and overreact in the most extreme manner. I am disgusted with the fact I am related to parasitic shits that always abuse people verbally and physically. Growing up, they pushed us to achieve academically and there was always an atmosphere of fear in the household. These are the type of parents that would leave their child in the backyard for a whole night for "misbehaving." These are the same type of parents that would get upset with me for failing a test and then hit me in knee with a metal bat out of anger. Now, they rarely ever resort to violence, but they remain the excessively arrogant, authoritative people in a more subtle manner. To be frank, I am leaving out a large amount of information, but my older brother is not altogether. I have always had to protect him and I have to take care of him now.

Working part-time while going to college full-time, I am barely getting by with handling school and work. I'm stressed. Even my dog is stressed. Sophie has been sleeping in the living room instead of her bed upstairs, waiting for him for three days straight. I can't concentrate. It's just another down swing and I have to hope that it evens out, is what I keep telling myself. I have to formulate some sort of method of supporting him. My parents cannot possibly fathom how much stress I am under. My older brother nearly committed suicide when I was in eighth grade and my younger brother has ADD. Both are extremely socially anxious and introverted. To them, I am the "normal" one and most responsibilities go to me. I don't feel normal or alright. I feel overwhelmed and afraid of everything in my life. I feel alone with these type of thoughts.

Out of my brothers, I am the most social. I actually barely socialize now, as I do not have enough time, but I am not the socially awkward one in the family. I have to maintain my reputation. Responsibility of my appearance and achievements are capitalized. Lately, I have not had much time to converse with my best friend. Moreover, he is far too busy for me now. I was told that he has been depressed, leaving me frustrated because I cannot be a physical contrast troubles in his life, and as for me, I miss my best friend and I need his support as well... I don't know. I must persevere although I am taking on more than I feel that I can handle.

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