"I want in fact more of you. In my mind I am dressing you with light; I am wrapping you up in blankets of complete acceptance and then I give myself to you. I long for you; I who usually long without longing, as though I am unconscious and absorbed in neutrality and apathy, really, utterly long for every bit of you." ~Franz Kafka

Temporary

It's in these lonely, bitter moments that I realize how downtrodden I've become, and when the lights are out, the distractions gone, I realize how comforting it would be to have your bright and shining warmth by my side in the wake of this terrifying and monumental loneliness. I ache for an end to what I perceive as a divide in physical and emotional proximity, between me and you, and everyone and everything I know. I'm not lost. I have an active lifestyle, but with the precious moments with myself, I am afraid. Seeking out the presence of another individual will not put a halt to these feelings. That, I know, because I have let others spend my time for me and all I am usually left with is a bitter tang of unfulfillment. I must remind myself that this profound uncertainty is only temporary, something that makes me distinctly human. It's just a transition. Thus, I escape into myself; I withdraw and let my insides feel like nothing. No distractions. I am feeling what I feel. It's normal. And I'm scared and terribly alone, yet I am not.

Being Human

Being human was a hassle for me. I don't enjoy love. I don't trust momentary happiness. I fall in and I fall out of them painfully and tragically. Establishing emotional connections though is primal instinct, and a vital part of the human experience. I want to be above it all—but I am not. I am very much human. People are walking, breathing, physical collections of trouble. They're careless in the way that they interact, and withdraw and disconnect from each other's lives. They impose upon and wreak havoc; it's such a complete, disgusting mess. The invisible web of relationships they purposefully maintain are so intimately intertwined, strong and fragile, and undoubtedly destructive. It is both beautiful and hideous to me, the way they love, give, and take.

"I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic." ~Augusten Burroughs

I'm deleting my memories of you. Gone are the photos and texts you sent me. I saved them and I would look at them from time to time. Although I treasured them, I cannot stand to keep them anymore. I've removed almost all vestiges of you. I'm deepening the gulf between us. Nothing solid could have been established. I dreamt of you two times. I think about you a lot. The more hopeful I become, the more disappointment I set myself up for. I attempted to be a great friend and please you in the ways that I could. Over time, I could see the cracks in our friendship and all the dissimilarities, yet I tightened my hold on you. I held onto you so shamelessly because I did not want the truth to become reality. I constantly felt pain over my feelings. My desire was simply impossible. You could not take another step and I could not take another step. There was no concrete foundation below us. Your distance in the past year, coupled with the antagonism of your admirers, really broke my heart. In the end, I know that nothing will come out of this and that reality is unbelievably harsh. You make me extremely anxious and unsure of myself, and I can drop from great highs to a deep low. Your ignorance and unintentional carelessness really hurts me. I give up on you. I will let my feelings subside because our friendship has made me feel beyond lonely.

"ありがとう"と君に言われるとなんだか切ない
さようならの後も解けぬ魔法淡くほろ苦い
The flavor of life…

There’s something saddening about when you tell me “thank you”
and the magic that stays even after goodbye
A touch of bittersweetness
The flavor of life…

友達でも恋人でもない中間地点で
収穫の日を夢見てる青いフルーツ
後一歩が踏み出せないせいで
じれったいのなんのって, baby?

Stuck at midpoint between friends and lovers,
Like unripened fruit dreaming about the day of harvest
Because of being unable to move one more step forward
What's causing this frustration, baby?


"ありがとう"と君に言われるとなんだか切ない
さようならの後も解けぬ魔法淡くほろ苦い
The flavor of life…

There’s something saddening about when you tell me “thank you”
And the magic that stays even after goodbye
A touch of bittersweetness
The flavor of life…

甘いだけの誘い文句味気のないトーク
そんのものには興味はそそられない
思い通りにいかない時だって
人生捨てたもんじゃないって

Sweet talk and tasteless conversations,
It sparks no interest in me.
Even when things don’t go your way,
It doesn't mean you've thrown your life away.

”どうしたの”と急に聞かれると”ううん、なんでもない”
さようならの後に消える笑顔私らしくない
信じたいと願えば願うほどなんだか切ない
”愛してるよ”よりも”大好き”の方が君らしいじゃない？
The flavor of life…

“What’s wrong?” you suddenly ask. “Um, it’s nothing.”
But the fading smile on my face after “goodbye” just isn’t me.
The more I wish to believe (in us), somehow makes me even sadder
Rather than “I love you,” isn’t “I like you” more like you?
The flavor of life…

忘れかけていた人の香りを突然思い出すころ
降り積る雪の白さをもっと素直に喜びたいよ

Those times, when out of the blue, I remember the fragrance of the one I’d almost forgotten.
I want to be able openly and honestly cherish the white purity of the falling snow more

ダイヤモンドよりも柔らかくて温かな未来を手にしたいよ
限りある時間を君と過ごしたい

A future tender and warmer than a diamond
I want to grasp it, in this limited time we have, I want to spend it with you

"ありがとう"と君に言われるとなんだか切ない
さようならの後も解けぬ魔法淡くほろ苦い
The flavor of life…

There’s something saddening about when you tell me “thank you”
And the magic that stays even after goodbye
A touch of bittersweetness
The flavor of life…