I am scared of everything in my life. My life as of late is a mixture of school, work, and family issues mashed together in a wild clusterfuck. I don't feel strong. I want to cry so much. This week, I turned 19. Despite being a young adult, I feel absolutely directionless. I am helpless, frustrated, anxious, and disgusted with how overwhelming my life seems to be.

At school, I am there for long hours and I have had numerous unnecessary and unwanted encounters with men. Seeing dimensions of such behavior, I am, piece by piece, becoming increasingly suspicious men. No, I do not want you to touch me. No, I will not tolerate racism, nor will I condone sexist comments and/or invasion of privacy. I believe I have I have always kept a healthy distance from unfamiliar people, men and women, and I do not see myself as someone of a particularly sexist viewpoint. However, these negative encounters with the opposite gender have become much more frequent. Therefore, I feel that I may have to become more aware of myself and my surroundings, along with the people I associate with.

The day of my birthday, Thursday, I had a long shift and the day after, I had work from 5 AM to 10 AM. That being said, celebration of my birthday had to be postponed to Friday. Thursday night, my mother was complaining about my older brother and when I came back from work on Friday, I came home to police cars parked outside my house. I guessed correctly; my mom being the irrational person that she is, called the police to have them remove my older brother from the house. I should not have to come home from work to see my older brother being taken away by police. My parents were complaining to the police about my older brother's introverted nature and as a result, they took him to a psychiatric center, which I did not learn about until much later. I spent my entire Friday calling hospitals to find his location and dealing with terrible customer service.

My brother barely speaks to my parents. Their behavior is what repels him. They are closed-minded and overreact in the most extreme manner. I am disgusted with the fact I am related to parasitic shits that always abuse people verbally and physically. Growing up, they pushed us to achieve academically and there was always an atmosphere of fear in the household. These are the type of parents that would leave their child in the backyard for a whole night for "misbehaving." These are the same type of parents that would get upset with me for failing a test and then hit me in knee with a metal bat out of anger. Now, they rarely ever resort to violence, but they remain the excessively arrogant, authoritative people in a more subtle manner. To be frank, I am leaving out a large amount of information, but my older brother is not altogether. I have always had to protect him and I have to take care of him now.

Working part-time while going to college full-time, I am barely getting by with handling school and work. I'm stressed. Even my dog is stressed. Sophie has been sleeping in the living room instead of her bed upstairs, waiting for him for three days straight. I can't concentrate. It's just another down swing and I have to hope that it evens out, is what I keep telling myself. I have to formulate some sort of method of supporting him. My parents cannot possibly fathom how much stress I am under. My older brother nearly committed suicide when I was in eighth grade and my younger brother has ADD. Both are extremely socially anxious and introverted. To them, I am the "normal" one and most responsibilities go to me. I don't feel normal or alright. I feel overwhelmed and afraid of everything in my life. I feel alone with these type of thoughts.

Out of my brothers, I am the most social. I actually barely socialize now, as I do not have enough time, but I am not the socially awkward one in the family. I have to maintain my reputation. Responsibility of my appearance and achievements are capitalized. Lately, I have not had much time to converse with my best friend. Moreover, he is far too busy for me now. I was told that he has been depressed, leaving me frustrated because I cannot be a physical contrast troubles in his life, and as for me, I miss my best friend and I need his support as well... I don't know. I must persevere although I am taking on more than I feel that I can handle.

I.
I hate myself
I despise this world that never believed in me
As a matter of fact, I always pray and pray for these motherfuckers' downfall
Jealousy and envy always get the best of me
Next thing I know, I turn evil
But I keep fronting
Telling myself "I don't need no money and fame. Fuck 'em."
I'm a slave of this moment
I'm a slave of Time
And I'm a slave of this mundane loop of life
Yup, it's that time again
I gotta do what time tells me to do
Yes massah!
Time tells me to forget about what I want and dream and do the same thing that I do
Yes massah!
I wanna fight, break these chains, run away from this plantation of time
But I'm a coward
I won't say nothing
I can't say nothing
But when I'm drunk, I turn into a warrior from "300"
And I'm about to destroy and crush all the things that I envy
All the things that I wanna get but I will never get
I'm a coward
And I hate myself

Chorus:
Cuz when it rains, it pours but I would never give up
Gonna see the storm through and change my luck
It just another day so I know it's ok

Cuz when it rains, it pours but I would never give up
Gonna see the storm through and change my luck
It just another day so I know it's ok

II.
I live in a world, where you can even buy love with money
Half my brain is filled with money
The other half is filled with numbers
All I do is calculate
And the stairway to heaven seems so far away
You can change weather with money
You can move the hot July sun over the winter storm
One poet once told me "The definition of Haves and Have Nots is only a state of mind."
But fuck–that motherfucker's crazy
He must be smoking something when he wrote that line
But yeah, he fooled me. He fooled me good
I was a fool on a stage rocking mics, jumping around
All I wanted was to get props from the crowd
All I wanted to hear was "Hey"s and "Ho"s really loud
But things changed
I know too much
I just want to live
I just want to have
And I'm willing to do anything to live and to have
But all I know how to do is rock mics, jump around and get "Hey"s and "Ho"s
But at the end of the day, I'm out of dough
And I told you, I'm a coward
And mo'fucka, don't you dare take this shit away from me
Cuz I'll kill you
But I know I won't
Tell you the truth–I'm scared as hell, man
I told you I was a coward
I don't believe in destiny
But I blame destiny
And I blame the President
I saw a reflection of myself off the bling from a fat ride
Parked in a bougie ass mothafuckin restaurant
And that mothafucka looked so sad
I hate myself

Chorus:
Cuz when it rains it pours but I would never give up
Gonna see the storm through and change my luck
It just another day so I know it's ok

Cuz when it rains it pours but I would never give up
Gonna see the storm through and change my luck
It just another day so I know it's ok

III.
I should have prayed for my future
As much as I have prayed for your downfall
Always the next mothafucka seems to have more than me
But I have just enough to get by
If I don't hold on, I will die
Cuz this mothafucka named MYELITIS always looking for a chance to kill me
And if I don't hold on, my family will starve
I get strength from the next mothafucka that's sicker than me
The sword of guilty conscience's always sticking me, slicing my heart
And my heart feels the blade
And mothafuckin shit hurts
I try to measure the next mothafuckas happiness with mine
And I try to measure the next mothafuckas tragedy with mine
And I go crazy sometimes
Which side am I on?
But all I know for sure is that everything's a lie
Or is it?
Reporters, Grifters, Reporters, Hustlers, Reporters, Grifters, Tvs, Hustlers
Mothafuckin Propaganda
Shit, here it goes again
The media's moving the crowd's mind like I move the crowd with my mic
Yeah mothafuckas
Please take my sword away and stick it where it belongs
Please stick it in your heart
Please try
Feel my pain
Scream my name
Take my friends
Fuck it!
Take him, too
This mothafucka named Myelitis
Once you get a piece of my mind that plays tricks on me sometimes
Or maybe all the time
And please take the cyst off my mom's womb
I wrote my name on a white piece of paper–
3 Letters–"Jun Kwon Suh"
Which gave him the right to my soul
The right to my youth
Man, ten years gone.
I was prostituted, pimped, pimp slapped
My soul was at the lowest of the food chain
And shit, I'm still chained up
Even when I'm free
Yeah, I'm jealous
I envy you
And I hate you
And I hate myself for that

Love the rawness in his voice.

From the simple blouse you incorporated into your wardrobe to the way you wore your hair in a loosely styled bun, it seems that your choices and the way you present yourself overall can constitute as indicators of your personality. People who may enjoy a wide assortment of music will have a select few genres as favorites that speak volumes about them. Not surprisingly, music can be seen as an extension of our identity, hence why people feel insulted when their favorite music artist is referred to scathingly.

Four Dimensions of Music Preferences:

• Energetic and Rhythmic (hip-hop/dance/soul/electronica/funk): Positively correlated with extraversion, agreeableness, political liberalism, physical attractiveness, and athleticism. Negatively correlated with "social dominance orientation" and political conservatism.

• Upbeat and Conventional (religious/country/pop): Positively correlated with extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, self-esteem, political conservatism, physical attractiveness (self-perceived), wealth, and athleticism. Negatively correlated with emotional stability, openness to experience, "social dominance orientation," depression, political liberalism, intelligence, and verbal ability.

• Reflexive and Complex (blues/classical/folk/jazz): Positively correlated with openness to experience, "self-perceived intelligence," verbal ability, emotional stability, and political liberalism. Negatively correlated with "social dominance orientation," political conservatism, wealth, and athleticism.

• Intense and Rebellious (heavy metal/rock/alternate rock): Positively correlated with openness to experience, extroversion, athleticism, "self-perceived intelligence," "social dominance orientation," and verbal ability.

I typically listen to music that would be defined as "Energetic and Rhythmic." As of late, I have had a growing affinity for indie rock. (That would be under "Intense and Rebellious.") I suppose it is a sign of maturation.

School. Study. Work. School. Work. Study. Work. Study. Work. Study. That is a brusque, yet accurate description of my schedule. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I have Psychology at 8:00 AM and one hour in between, before my General Biology class. Afterward, there is a two to five hour slot of time reserved entirely for studying, relaxing, eating, and/or napping. My last class begins at 7:00 PM and ends at 8:50 PM. Every other day, I am working. My shifts for work fluctuate, but once I finish my shifts, I studystudystudy.

Being a full-time student while working part-time is more stressful than I had originally anticipated. The small time frame left in the day that is not consumed by school, work, or studying is usually my time for relaxing. Another way to put it is spacing out, sleeping, eating at home because I forget to eat at/before school and work, or communicating with some friends to compensate for my slowly depleting social life.

I can't say I'm a fan of school or work right now. My professor for General Biology is overbearing personality-wise. He is loud, rude, picks favorites, and his exams are impossible. As someone who has never scored below average, I am not confident with this class, as I cannot see any defined direction of where I am headed with this class. Work is an entirely new story. In a few mere months, I have attained a great deal of knowledge on how to conduct myself socially, multi-task efficiently and quickly, work as a member of a team, and customer service skills. However, working in a restaurant has exposed me to a new side to people. I can truthfully say that customers are unreasonable, but it's a circumstance where you must simply bear with inappropriate behavior, bite your tongue, and swallow your pride because the customer is "always right."

This depresses me to some level, because children, possibly fourteen to sixteen-years-old, are being introduced into the labor force and face appalling behavior from adults. Without a doubt, this experience has made me much more empathetic toward workers. I am going to be a kind customer to all employees of any work environment, not that I was ever a terrible customer to anyone.

To be frank, this entire week has felt like a nightmare for me. A few days ago, a stranger tried to stalk me via Facebook while I was sitting across from him at the school library. He almost sent me a friend request had I not given him the excuse that I only use Facebook for contacting classmates for help with school (which is half true). I then forced one of friend to come fetch me once her class was over so I could escape being put in yet another unfavorable position. I have only had a few interactions with this person, but every time I see him, I want to turn the other way. He is over-affectionate and consistently tries to touch me, which is not within my comfort level. (Plus, he smells.) Moreover, he becomes excessively excited; he starts speaking loudly to get my attention and waves his hands/arms around violently, while making a huge grin.

Keep in mind that I barely associate with him... but I think that even without that fact, my reasons for feeling uncomfortable are completely validated. Along with that, I have seen his deviantART, which seems to be an outlet for him. Journal entry after entry, his deviantART is full of whining about not having a "girl." Not long before the stalking incident, he tried to subtly ask me about my romantic life repeatedly and I told him I have no interest in dating anyone in my college. I simply do not trust his intentions whatsoever. I believe I will now be avoiding the school library.

Another incident I had this week was with a stupid, ignorant fuck. I texted a classmate about the previous situation. I received this as a response, "You're an Asian female, so don't you have to be the super quiet, submissive type?" Excuse me? If you did not send that through text, you would regret speaking to me in that manner.

As for work, I believe that further details are not necessary. Work is work, and customers are terrible. Overall, I am frustrated with people and, their inexhaustible ability to be difficult and overbearing, but I will keep my head up and have a better day.

I have changed. No doubt about that.

Last Thursday, I had a seven-hour shift at work and during my ten-minute break, I caught sight of a man I once knew. He was the father of my ex-best friend, whom I now have a very convoluted, unstable relationship with. Amused with seeing a familiar face, I sent his daughter a text. I then received a friendly reply about him being unemployed and using the restaurant’s free Internet connection to complete online job applications. I simply informed her about my manager’s store policy: customers are not allowed to loiter and will be forced to leave within thirty minutes. With that in mind, I suggested that her father go to the library for its Wi-Fi to avoid an unfavorable encounter with my manager. Plus, the library is open until nine on weekdays, leaving a wider time frame for those type of tasks. For that, I earned disrespect from her. Frustrated with her for accusing me of being “judgmental” and “trying to kick him out,” I told her specifically that choice is entirely up to the manager as she is the only one with the power to do so.

That experience made me realize something important: she was not far from the person she was back in middle school, over-sensitive and delusional. She hears what she wants to hear and cannot bear any negative feedback. Time after time, she has proven herself to be selfish and completely ignorant of how she hurts other people. Most interactions with her are stressful. Not once did I remember not having drama in my life because of her constantly instigating drama and then hiding behind a guise of innocence. She misused my kindness and hid behind excuses. For insulting my appearance, she told me she was feeling terrible about hers and, wanted a "confidence booster" and outlet for her negativity. According to her, she knew that I "would understand." For never visiting me, she told me it was because my mother hated her. That is a fact. Because she did not visit me, I visited her because she begged me and for that, my mom beat me. Of course I was angry with her for multiple reasons that I don't remember now, but she never gave me a proper apology.

She is eighteen-years-old and, does not know how to take responsibility and admit her wrongs because of her victim complex. I remember the days when she had straight As and in high school, her grades plummeted, leaving her to resort to home schooling and charter school where she had little outside social interaction. As of now, she is in community college and I do not know whether she will transfer. It seems that our stages in life have flip-flopped. While I have never let my grades go below average, I was once an uncomfortable little girl. I had no direction with carrying myself socially. I took the longer path to destinations to avoid being seen. I hated what I saw in the mirror and regretted the majority of my actions because I felt that I was an absolute failure in social conduct. Going into high school, I realized my passion, yet I chose to skirt around by enrolling in a community college. I kept my options open and in the end, this has only reaffirmed my love for art. I know where I am headed in life, though I can't say the same for her.

I do not necessarily hate or dislike her. In fact, she was a large part of my life when I was younger and that has shaped the person I am. However, I am astonished by how varied our lifestyles are now. Never would I have guessed that this would be our paths in life back in eighth grade.

"Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but 'Mom’s' probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breath in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes." ~Kalyn RoseAnne