"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others–the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad." ~Jonathan Safran Foer

You were the one who told me the season will end peacefully

The differently colored memories gather
Goodbye to the person who loved me

Wavering in these eyes

Like a feeling I've been cut off from

I couldn't trust it from the start
As I was left behind by this ever changing street

Those people, who were always coming and going
Can be felt now in the distance
Even the noise grows dim
And fades away in a single breath

I look at your vacant seat
On this boring holiday
You are in my heart forever

Though I pretend to not notice and act in pretense
I was drowned in it, always
Thinking about someone
Because even a side view of his face was heavenly

You were the one who told me the season will end peacefully

The differently colored memories gather
Goodbye to the person who loved me

Wavering in these eyes

Now, how many more times will he be near me?
So, I will keep time for how long this feeling lasts

It is like a wave; it's calm and then retreats
This heart was carried off

Even today the city fills me with thoughts as ever
I draw them each individually...
Goodbye, to that person who loved me
Yearning for the distant sky
Wavering in these eyes

This ever changing street, overflowed with a sigh

Life Update

Already, it is 6:19 AM and yet again, I have failed to sleep at a regular time. I am sure that as the year progresses, the workload from school and other activities will act as an outlet for my excess energy.

What have I accomplished so far? Finish one semester of school and begin a second one. Check. Get a job. (Got one within two weeks.) Check. Get an invitation from a honor society for "superior academic performance"? Wasn't expecting that.

I have yet to confirm my membership in the honor society. While I do recognize the benefits of joining one, I am worried about how much time I would be able to reserve for the honor society. I plan to attend the orientation and with that, I wish to tailor my schedule around school, work, and the honor society. I truly do not want to give up any academic opportunities.

So far, I have only taking courses that are required in my community college. Of course, I want to transfer into a school that focuses on/associated with my career interest, art. Now that I have job, I will have money. I want to increase the probability of being successful/skillful in art. Perhaps I will save money for an art program/classes. I believe I need to figure out which art school I want to be in enrolled in first though. Then, I could adjust my schedule and take units transferable to that school.

So many paths to take and ways it could branch out!

Misjudging one's own life is extremely easy. Simple pleasures come at little to no cost and, troubles fade in and out like a gentle breeze. Having always lived in a safety net otherwise known as Camarillo, a peaceful city full of old people, I believe I have lived a nice life overall. That being said, I have reason to be tremendously grateful. Many people are kind to me and consistently forgiving. For their grace, I feel that I am in debt to them. In recognition of the expectations and responsibilities placed upon me, I wish to improve myself.

I am grateful to my family, especially my parents despite their draconian methods.
I am grateful to the Lee family for becoming a second family to me.
I am grateful for the friends that have supported me and remained in contact with me, refusing to let their connection with me to die.

I am so grateful to many people that I wish I could write them all an essay, describing their worth to me. However, it would be an extremely ineffective process as I would not be able to find the proper words.

New Year's Day Car Conversation & Wedding Brainstorm

Mom: Out of all of you, I wonder which one of you is going to give us a grandchild! We all know Sophie-girl (our dog) can't.
Dad: None of them are going to even have a kid until they get married and I don't know when that's going to happen.
Mom: (laughing) I think it will be you or Adam (my little brother).

Since that conversation, I tried to visualize how my own wedding would be (if I were to get married). To some level, I see it as a great financial burden, yet at the same time, I think of it as a wonderful opportunity. It's really an odd mix of intimacy and public celebration.

What comes to mind is a gentle, yet romantic theme that utilizes as soft palette of white, gold, and pastel. I adore dresses Grecian in style with an interesting mix of delicate draping and an element of elegance. Considering my bust size, support up top is preferable. My bottom half is nearly four inches wider than my torso, fabric that does not cling to the body (especially my lower region) and flares out from my natural waist line is highly recommended.

As for my bridesmaids' dresses, I find bold, opaque colors somewhat gaudy and would prefer them to stick to colors such as ivory or rose pink. I recognize that in some weddings, bridesmaids can wear different dresses as long as they are in the same color. However, I feel that uniform outfits for the bridesmaids give a more "complete" or sophisticated attitude.

Many women look completely different with their hair in an updo. If the wedding is more formal, I might opt for a messy updo and it seems the most appropriate. Depending on the dress (how much skin is showing) and casualness of the environment, I could have my hair gathered to the side in a side ponytail. I adore wispy, layered hairstyles because it can maintain a degree of formality and appear interesting, yet striking in texture.

Additionally, a good photographer is a must! S/he must be able to move you and carry the ability to capture the emotion and sentiment within her/his photographs. Taking wedding photos the day of the ceremony will eat up a great deal of time. Taking them beforehand ensures that the photos turn out perfectly and, leaves more private time to be alone, take photos, and spend time with guests. Overall, stress levels will be lowered and by being relaxed, that will naturally translate into better photos.

Of course budgetary constraints are undoubtedly a major factor. Customization of dresses removes the factor of alterations and the dress could be tailored to suit my taste, which is helpful, especially if I prove to be a picky bride. Dress rental is another option. However, I would have to be extremely careful with choosing and dress care, and be quick as well as decisive.

The venue shapes the overall theme of the wedding and can set multiple moods, which range from ethereal, to luxurious, to quaint/rustic, and many more. I couldn't word this better: "From rainforests to beach views, rolling hills to beautiful gardens, chapels and beyond, wedding venues are home to the most picturesque backdrops for a wedding that you can find." They are able to accommodate to things often overlooked in non-professional venues such as parking and handicap access. Moreover, if a multi-purpose venue is used, it can become the site of the ceremony and reception, thereby eliminating the question of how guests will go from one location to the other. As a result, large hotels are favorable because discounted accommodations are made for guests and it can become a place to stay for out-of-town guests or act as a honeymoon suite for the bride and groom.

With a beautiful venue as your backdrop, you do not have to worry as much about decorations, which can be a major expense. Getting married in a garden? No need to spend hundred and hundreds on flowers. Also, if the ceremony and reception are close, decorations may be reused and transported with ease.

Weddings are an important chapter in people's lives and usually happen once. Therefore, preparation is important and can become laborious. At each table is a centerpiece. Cost-effectiveness should be integrated with creativity. Usage of unscented floating candles seems like a great choice.

 

Dimmed lights help create a romantic atmosphere, along with a beautiful arrangement of flowers. Lanterns of different shapes and sizes could be hung around and fabrics could be used as a decorative element, such drapery for the walls or ribbon adorning chairs and bouquets.

As with most celebrations, cake is needed! Monochromatic in theme, white cakes are like blank canvases that can be manipulated into a stunning confection, while preserving class and a sweet taste.

From start to finish, a wedding planning is a painstakingly intricate process. Placement and composition and, every detail and decision is essential. With the right team, you can accomplish your dream wedding. I am only 18 and far from getting married, but I know that in the future, if I do have a chance to get married to an amazing person, I would set my wedding as a moment in stone that I will forever cherish and remember.

Driving in LA

For a month, my friend and I planned to go to Los Angeles to visit Chinatown, as well as Koreatown. However, things did not go according to plan... Instead of my friend's cousin being the driver, I had to drive. Considering her consistently irresponsible nature, I am NOT surprised she did not tell him that he would be driver until that morning. His parents were using his car that day and as last resort, I had to drive.

Basically, he and his girlfriend opened the door of my car under the impression that I was driving. Then, my friend turned to me with a pleading expression and I sighed.

Having lived in a small city full of old people and little to no traffic, I was extremely overwhelmed to deal with so many aggressive drivers in Los Angeles. Although they did compensate me with money for gas, I still feel frustrated and find the situation unfair.

To give you a visual example, here are a couple of pictures.

Believe me when I say that driving there is FAR from fun. Cars are weaving in and out of lanes at a fast speed and motorcycles speed between the lanes of traffic, frighteningly close to the cars. The cars behind me nested in my blind spot and multiple cars (tried to) cut me off because the driver simply cannot wait in the long line of cars. Along with that, the traffic extends for a long while and the freeway splits, so changing lanes was quite a pain. That being said, avoiding the freeway/highway can be preferable.

Having gone to Chinatown many times, I know the places with low traffic density. As for Koreatown, that was another story. Inside Koreatown itself, never have I dealt with so many hostile Korean people! Along with that, the streets are full of potholes, so I had to be extra careful. Swarms of cars refuse to yield and when trying to make an unprotected left turn, I have to wait for a long line of cars. By the end of it all, I am in the middle of the road and have to turn on a red light! I yielded to old Korean people crossing the street before turning and in response, angry drivers behind me abused the honking feature of their car. Considering their road etiquette and disregard for traffic law, I am not surprised that they nearly ran over pedestrians...

I already hated driving before this and thanks to my encounter with LA drivers, I hate driving even more...

 

On New Year's Eve, I had a lovely time with my family hiking down in Wildwood Regional Park, passing by vibrantly colored yellow-green grass. Hiking further up the trail, I had a great view of the surrounding terrain, which is undoubtedly well-maintained. I'm surprised that such an area exists in a sprawling suburban metropolis! Nearby the path to Paradise Falls was a spectacular view of a waterfall plunging into a large pool of water and when returning to the starting point of our trail, we came across a meandering trail along the banks of a creek. All in all, the trail proved to be moderate in terms of difficulty and quite an exercise! My adorable baby German Shepherd/Husky/Boxer mix helped inject humor into the four hours that we spent there. In a funny way, I feel that my family really felt like a family in that moment and for that, I was happy.