I am scared of everything in my life. My life as of late is a mixture of school, work, and family issues mashed together in a wild clusterfuck. I don't feel strong. I want to cry so much. This week, I turned 19. Despite being a young adult, I feel absolutely directionless. I am helpless, frustrated, anxious, and disgusted with how overwhelming my life seems to be.

At school, I am there for long hours and I have had numerous unnecessary and unwanted encounters with men. Seeing dimensions of such behavior, I am, piece by piece, becoming increasingly suspicious men. No, I do not want you to touch me. No, I will not tolerate racism, nor will I condone sexist comments and/or invasion of privacy. I believe I have I have always kept a healthy distance from unfamiliar people, men and women, and I do not see myself as someone of a particularly sexist viewpoint. However, these negative encounters with the opposite gender have become much more frequent. Therefore, I feel that I may have to become more aware of myself and my surroundings, along with the people I associate with.

The day of my birthday, Thursday, I had a long shift and the day after, I had work from 5 AM to 10 AM. That being said, celebration of my birthday had to be postponed to Friday. Thursday night, my mother was complaining about my older brother and when I came back from work on Friday, I came home to police cars parked outside my house. I guessed correctly; my mom being the irrational person that she is, called the police to have them remove my older brother from the house. I should not have to come home from work to see my older brother being taken away by police. My parents were complaining to the police about my older brother's introverted nature and as a result, they took him to a psychiatric center, which I did not learn about until much later. I spent my entire Friday calling hospitals to find his location and dealing with terrible customer service.

My brother barely speaks to my parents. Their behavior is what repels him. They are closed-minded and overreact in the most extreme manner. I am disgusted with the fact I am related to parasitic shits that always abuse people verbally and physically. Growing up, they pushed us to achieve academically and there was always an atmosphere of fear in the household. These are the type of parents that would leave their child in the backyard for a whole night for "misbehaving." These are the same type of parents that would get upset with me for failing a test and then hit me in knee with a metal bat out of anger. Now, they rarely ever resort to violence, but they remain the excessively arrogant, authoritative people in a more subtle manner. To be frank, I am leaving out a large amount of information, but my older brother is not altogether. I have always had to protect him and I have to take care of him now.

Working part-time while going to college full-time, I am barely getting by with handling school and work. I'm stressed. Even my dog is stressed. Sophie has been sleeping in the living room instead of her bed upstairs, waiting for him for three days straight. I can't concentrate. It's just another down swing and I have to hope that it evens out, is what I keep telling myself. I have to formulate some sort of method of supporting him. My parents cannot possibly fathom how much stress I am under. My older brother nearly committed suicide when I was in eighth grade and my younger brother has ADD. Both are extremely socially anxious and introverted. To them, I am the "normal" one and most responsibilities go to me. I don't feel normal or alright. I feel overwhelmed and afraid of everything in my life. I feel alone with these type of thoughts.

Out of my brothers, I am the most social. I actually barely socialize now, as I do not have enough time, but I am not the socially awkward one in the family. I have to maintain my reputation. Responsibility of my appearance and achievements are capitalized. Lately, I have not had much time to converse with my best friend. Moreover, he is far too busy for me now. I was told that he has been depressed, leaving me frustrated because I cannot be a physical contrast troubles in his life, and as for me, I miss my best friend and I need his support as well... I don't know. I must persevere although I am taking on more than I feel that I can handle.

I.
I hate myself
I despise this world that never believed in me
As a matter of fact, I always pray and pray for these motherfuckers' downfall
Jealousy and envy always get the best of me
Next thing I know, I turn evil
But I keep fronting
Telling myself "I don't need no money and fame. Fuck 'em."
I'm a slave of this moment
I'm a slave of Time
And I'm a slave of this mundane loop of life
Yup, it's that time again
I gotta do what time tells me to do
Yes massah!
Time tells me to forget about what I want and dream and do the same thing that I do
Yes massah!
I wanna fight, break these chains, run away from this plantation of time
But I'm a coward
I won't say nothing
I can't say nothing
But when I'm drunk, I turn into a warrior from "300"
And I'm about to destroy and crush all the things that I envy
All the things that I wanna get but I will never get
I'm a coward
And I hate myself

Chorus:
Cuz when it rains, it pours but I would never give up
Gonna see the storm through and change my luck
It just another day so I know it's ok

Cuz when it rains, it pours but I would never give up
Gonna see the storm through and change my luck
It just another day so I know it's ok

II.
I live in a world, where you can even buy love with money
Half my brain is filled with money
The other half is filled with numbers
All I do is calculate
And the stairway to heaven seems so far away
You can change weather with money
You can move the hot July sun over the winter storm
One poet once told me "The definition of Haves and Have Nots is only a state of mind."
But fuck–that motherfucker's crazy
He must be smoking something when he wrote that line
But yeah, he fooled me. He fooled me good
I was a fool on a stage rocking mics, jumping around
All I wanted was to get props from the crowd
All I wanted to hear was "Hey"s and "Ho"s really loud
But things changed
I know too much
I just want to live
I just want to have
And I'm willing to do anything to live and to have
But all I know how to do is rock mics, jump around and get "Hey"s and "Ho"s
But at the end of the day, I'm out of dough
And I told you, I'm a coward
And mo'fucka, don't you dare take this shit away from me
Cuz I'll kill you
But I know I won't
Tell you the truth–I'm scared as hell, man
I told you I was a coward
I don't believe in destiny
But I blame destiny
And I blame the President
I saw a reflection of myself off the bling from a fat ride
Parked in a bougie ass mothafuckin restaurant
And that mothafucka looked so sad
I hate myself

Chorus:
Cuz when it rains it pours but I would never give up
Gonna see the storm through and change my luck
It just another day so I know it's ok

Cuz when it rains it pours but I would never give up
Gonna see the storm through and change my luck
It just another day so I know it's ok

III.
I should have prayed for my future
As much as I have prayed for your downfall
Always the next mothafucka seems to have more than me
But I have just enough to get by
If I don't hold on, I will die
Cuz this mothafucka named MYELITIS always looking for a chance to kill me
And if I don't hold on, my family will starve
I get strength from the next mothafucka that's sicker than me
The sword of guilty conscience's always sticking me, slicing my heart
And my heart feels the blade
And mothafuckin shit hurts
I try to measure the next mothafuckas happiness with mine
And I try to measure the next mothafuckas tragedy with mine
And I go crazy sometimes
Which side am I on?
But all I know for sure is that everything's a lie
Or is it?
Reporters, Grifters, Reporters, Hustlers, Reporters, Grifters, Tvs, Hustlers
Mothafuckin Propaganda
Shit, here it goes again
The media's moving the crowd's mind like I move the crowd with my mic
Yeah mothafuckas
Please take my sword away and stick it where it belongs
Please stick it in your heart
Please try
Feel my pain
Scream my name
Take my friends
Fuck it!
Take him, too
This mothafucka named Myelitis
Once you get a piece of my mind that plays tricks on me sometimes
Or maybe all the time
And please take the cyst off my mom's womb
I wrote my name on a white piece of paper–
3 Letters–"Jun Kwon Suh"
Which gave him the right to my soul
The right to my youth
Man, ten years gone.
I was prostituted, pimped, pimp slapped
My soul was at the lowest of the food chain
And shit, I'm still chained up
Even when I'm free
Yeah, I'm jealous
I envy you
And I hate you
And I hate myself for that