I rub my tired eyes, still raw from over-used tears. I swallowed up most of the feelings you could never see. Being ignored by you, I realize how pitiful it was of me to look to you with longing. I suppose I was barely on your axis, never a priority. You didn't think of me and how your actions could possibly hurt me. That's what hurts me and makes me feel cheap. If you could fake romantic feelings for her and disregard her feelings, you must have never taken my feelings seriously. It makes me sick and hate myself.

"I want in fact more of you. In my mind I am dressing you with light; I am wrapping you up in blankets of complete acceptance and then I give myself to you. I long for you; I who usually long without longing, as though I am unconscious and absorbed in neutrality and apathy, really, utterly long for every bit of you." ~Franz Kafka

Temporary

It's in these lonely, bitter moments that I realize how downtrodden I've become, and when the lights are out, the distractions gone, I realize how comforting it would be to have your bright and shining warmth by my side in the wake of this terrifying and monumental loneliness. I ache for an end to what I perceive as a divide in physical and emotional proximity, between me and you, and everyone and everything I know. I'm not lost. I have an active lifestyle, but with the precious moments with myself, I am afraid. Seeking out the presence of another individual will not put a halt to these feelings. That, I know, because I have let others spend my time for me and all I am usually left with is a bitter tang of unfulfillment. I must remind myself that this profound uncertainty is only temporary, something that makes me distinctly human. It's just a transition. Thus, I escape into myself; I withdraw and let my insides feel like nothing. No distractions. I am feeling what I feel. It's normal. And I'm scared and terribly alone, yet I am not.

Being Human

Being human was a hassle for me. I don't enjoy love. I don't trust momentary happiness. I fall in and I fall out of them painfully and tragically. Establishing emotional connections though is primal instinct, and a vital part of the human experience. I want to be above it all—but I am not. I am very much human. People are walking, breathing, physical collections of trouble. They're careless in the way that they interact, and withdraw and disconnect from each other's lives. They impose upon and wreak havoc; it's such a complete, disgusting mess. The invisible web of relationships they purposefully maintain are so intimately intertwined, strong and fragile, and undoubtedly destructive. It is both beautiful and hideous to me, the way they love, give, and take.

"I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic." ~Augusten Burroughs

I'm deleting my memories of you. Gone are the photos and texts you sent me. I saved them and I would look at them from time to time. Although I treasured them, I cannot stand to keep them anymore. I've removed almost all vestiges of you. I'm deepening the gulf between us. Nothing solid could have been established. I dreamt of you two times. I think about you a lot. The more hopeful I become, the more disappointment I set myself up for. I attempted to be a great friend and please you in the ways that I could. Over time, I could see the cracks in our friendship and all the dissimilarities, yet I tightened my hold on you. I held onto you so shamelessly because I did not want the truth to become reality. I constantly felt pain over my feelings. My desire was simply impossible. You could not take another step and I could not take another step. There was no concrete foundation below us. Your distance in the past year, coupled with the antagonism of your admirers, really broke my heart. In the end, I know that nothing will come out of this and that reality is unbelievably harsh. You make me extremely anxious and unsure of myself, and I can drop from great highs to a deep low. Your ignorance and unintentional carelessness really hurts me. I give up on you. I will let my feelings subside because our friendship has made me feel beyond lonely.