Emotionally compromised, my body trembles with weakness and my frustration presents itself plainly in my usually neutral face. Beholden to my feelings, I cannot easily dismiss them. It’s not a small object that can be tucked into a faraway vacant corner and remain forgotten or put on hold. Feelings demand to be felt.

In a battle between mind vs. heart, my rationale usually wins and my feelings are left neglected. I ignore them until my insides feel like nothing.

An acquaintance once told me, “I can’t help but feel as if you’ve seen a lot of misery and this has been ingrained upon you. You put on a smile to show a happy face, but your eyes show otherwise. It’s like your eyes are saying: I have seen it before and it doesn’t really affect me anymore.” At a party, a palm reader told me that I have and will deal with hardship, and that I have an amazing ability to overcome them. I seemed to be the only person she said that to at the party.

I found myself caught off guard by those comments. My eyes, as I looked into the palm reader’s face, began to water and there I was, naked against her sympathetic gaze. The pain that I had disregarded was finally being recognized and I was very ashamed. A woman I barely knew was able to pinpoint my weakness, yet people I have known for years have such a vapid glimpse into my personality.

However, I can’t be too disappointed in them. Two of the closest people in my life are people I haven’t even met. That in itself is a testament to my reserved nature. My best friend in real life is not much of a best friend. I never trusted my friend from sixth grade with the truth of my upbringing. Outside of the house, I have a clean slate and a family life that isn’t a depressing power struggle. My image as a confident and goofy girl is not something I am fully comfortable tarnishing.

I don’t want to give it up and I am hurt more than people know. I don’t trust most people with my problems, nor do I expect them to be reliable. Putting faith in people is so incredibly painful for me.

I saw a Korean drama recently about a king’s love for a concubine, who he eventually sentences to death due to the pressure of politics. As I waited for the concubine’s destiny to be fulfilled, I couldn’t help thinking about the steps that led to her death. Did he fall out of love with her? Did he fall in love with another woman? How long can you stay in someone’s favor before s/he lets you go?

One of my friends confessed to me, “I don’t believe in love.” I suppose I’m not too far from that mindset. The fact that people can simply let go of someone is upsetting. Promises end up worthless and cherished memories are trashed. I just... cannot fathom how people can abandon others without hesitation.

My confession is that I am disgusted in myself for believing in many people and that I do not want to believe in them, because I so desperately want to believe that behind their beautiful smile, there is sincerity rather than an ungrateful soul.

Greeeeeat. Just GREAT. Another creep. This time, it’s one at work and slowly, it has become a common theme in my life. Encounter after encounter, I have become increasingly repulsed and evasive with men. Unwanted physical contact and uncomfortable conversations are not pleasant. As my friend Raphael says, it’s a “perk to being a cute little Asian girl.” Ha. Ha. Ha. Nooot.

Several months ago, I had a tremendously awkward experience with my friend’s roommate, who repeatedly put me in an unusual social position. Let’s call him “D.” D sent me messages every day and night, despite my disinterested attitude. For me, receiving this type of attention is very unfamiliar, bizarre, and new, and I know how to approach it… In spite of that, I did not have the confidence to be forthright in such an unsettling situation. Eventually, I asked D if he liked me. After confirming that he did, I told him to stop with this kind of behavior and for a moment, he did.

D still constantly messaged me. This time, he was talking about pursuing other “cute girls” as an attempt to arouse jealousy in me. I confronted him yet again and deleted him from my contacts list. I spoke with my friend about D and according to him, D thought I was the “shy type” or “playing hard to get.” Frankly, that annoyed me, if not infuriated me. If I tell someone I don’t like him/her, I don’t like him/her. There is only one single meaning: “I don’t like you.” Nothing else.   

Did he think he was special? How can someone be that arrogant? Is that supposed to be an excuse for my lack of attraction to a disgusting, desperate person? I can imagine him saying, “Oh, it’s because she’s shy/gay/etc. I mean, there’s no way she could resist me. There HAS to be a reason.” If there was an emoticon for rolling my eyes and indicating irritation, I would use it now.

Months later—yesterday to be exact—D decides to send me a message yet again. My response was to ignore him. I refuse to feed the ego of someone so incredibly cocky.

My first year of college overall has been full of various creepy encounters. For one, I had a stalker in the library. I’ve had a couple of “admirers” in my classes that have been too “touchy-feely.” Thinking about it is sickening. I have needed to actually tell someone to not touch me. The past semester, I have been at school around twelve hours per day and my last class finishes at around 9 PM. One of my “touchy-feely” classmates thought it was a bright idea to grab me late at night.

I am known to be a reserved person and I dislike physical contact. I did what I naturally would do—I hit him and became angry. This was the same person that I specifically told to not touch me and this was the same day I told him that. I suppose I have a very “anti-men” attitude to me now, but I believe it’s justified.

As for my coworker, he is a twenty-five-year-old male and I am nineteen. I have been receiving inappropriate physical contact from him in the form of random embraces at work. Bear in mind that I have only met this person about five times… A few nights ago, I inquired about the schedule of one of our managers and received unhelpful and unnecessary flirtatious answers. I have decided to address his over-affectionate nature and ask him to discuss only job matters with me. If his activities are continued, I will have to contact the head manager.

That being said, I’ve come to the conclusion that one cannot act soft with unbearable people and not be too generous with the chances I give, hoping that they will change and save myself a great deal of frustration and stress.

Words cannot possibly explain how pleased I am with the live action adaption of Rurouni Kenshin. I have legitimately rewatched the movie every night before I go to bed and the more I watch it, the more I fall in love with the story. Rurouni Kenshin has been a big part of my life, especially my childhood, and it has gained its own throne as my favorite show of all time. Nothing can or will ever usurp it.

Every day at dinner, starting from third grade, I was utterly immersed in the story. I was beyond obsessed and you could say I had my eyes surgically attached to the television. Eventually, the plot went in a more graphic direction and the animated show was then shown late at night. I fought against my body’s time clock and broke my curfew as much as possible to keep up with the new episodes. The last arc of the story was never animated and the show was cancelled, thus causing me to resort to reading the manga.

From images on a screen to paper, and finally translated into a physical reality, I remain astounded that the story that filled my childhood with much joy was no longer two-dimensional. I have always had a desire to see this story come to life. No matter how many times I watched or read Rurouni Kenshin, there was a sense of satisfaction, yet a yearning for completeness.

 

Creative liberties were taken with the movie and a new story was forged together with elements of the original story, combined with stunning visuals and a tremendously talented cast. The time and effort, along with love, clearly shows in this work and, it honors the nostalgic memories of Rurouni Kenshin fans while maintaining the spirit of the original. True to the story and refreshing, I can truthfully say that is an almost perfect live action adaption of an anime and I am beyond grateful that it happened to be Rurouni Kenshin.

One of my favorite ballads. I feel like its meaning will always resonate with me.

 

Growing up, I had a skewed image of myself. I wore sizes too large for my figure thanks to my mom. I bought my first tank top from Old Navy and was shocked that I could fit into an XS top. My friend thinks it was cruel of my mom to dress me in M, L, and XL.

I developed an image of what is the ideal body type according to the environment around me and constantly compared my body to others’, which left me with a sense of inadequacy and frustration. Despite being pretty lean myself, I wanted a smaller figure.

I saw my thighs as slabs of unwanted fat, pouring out from the holes of my underwear and closing the gap between my thighs. I found my arms flabby and my face chubby with the roundness of my cheeks. With pores like mine, my face would never be smooth and my eyebrows would forever remain bushy. 

Going into high school was a bit of a cultural shock. Gorgeous rich school and gorgeous rich people. At the time, I focused entirely on my academic performance and my self-esteem remained unfixed. Out of high school and into college, I saw a new chapter in my life unfolding and revamped my entire wardrobe, experimented more with makeup, and socialized at school. I focused on myself.

For me, that was a huge transition. I didn't indulge in myself and when I did, I learned my worth. Yeah, sometimes it is okay to treat yourself. With that, the weight of my negativity shed away.

I once was a girl that wanted to weigh a hundred pounds, which is foolish of me, because I would be underweight if I were. I now am nineteen-years-old young adult and I can truthfully say that I am satisfied with my appearance and body—for the most part. I struggle to accept my body even now and I should be proud of my size. What I am now is what I am meant to be—there’s no going against that. Loving yourself is a process that must take its course and a healthy body image comes with time.

Deconstructing and reforming things to make sense of it all. The old pieces no longer fit into the puzzle. Relationships form and break. Sometimes they fizzle out and you’re left holding onto the dusty ashes. The change cannot be undone and here you sit, wondering how Point A led to Point B. I’m a little nostalgic, a little saddened, and a little optimistic.

My friend left for the military not too long ago. Already, I miss that person. I have been reading past chatlogs and, thinking of the words I could have said and the actions I could have done. It’s strange how we became close in a short amount of time and that person will now be out of the state for three to five years.

Last week, my father came home with bad news. His coworker and best friend passed away. Four weeks in the hospital and he dies. Big personality, but weak lungs, kidneys, heart, and liver. Like my dad stated, “I thought Ramon was stronger.” I found myself unaffected, and then the weight of the news finally sunk in yesterday. I knew this person for four years and did not have many interactions with him, yet I found myself caring and upset. I suppose there is no real way of preparing for unfortunate events such as death. It’s always so shocking. This is the fifth death that has happened in my life. My grandfather, three students from my high school, and Ramon. 

Another change in my life has been my employment. Words cannot express how grateful I am to work in retail. #YOLO It is like HEAVEN compared to my former position as a cashier at a shitty fast food restaurant. I had known my coworkers in my previous job for about two months and I felt somewhat guilty that I was leaving them and for the possible connections that we could have had.

Despite being told about the inappropriate behavior/conduct of my managers and peers there, I still felt some level of regret and attachment. As for my new work environment, my new coworkers are far more friendly and open. Management is extremely organized, yet laidback. I am truly happier here, and I know that working here will give me the tools for being successful in the future.

With my transition into college, I have made several encounters at the library. The people I knew in my younger days weave in and out of my life. It is amazing how some bonds between people have diffused; we’re all so spread out, opening up new chapters in our lives. I’ve managed to remain close friends with many and the “best friends” that I believed would remain in my life have left. So many unexpected things unfolding before me and no defined destination in life. I don’t feel ready, but I am sure I will be fine.