Emotionally compromised, my body trembles with weakness and my frustration presents itself plainly in my usually neutral face. Beholden to my feelings, I cannot easily dismiss them. It’s not a small object that can be tucked into a faraway vacant corner and remain forgotten or put on hold. Feelings demand to be felt.

In a battle between mind vs. heart, my rationale usually wins and my feelings are left neglected. I ignore them until my insides feel like nothing.

An acquaintance once told me, “I can’t help but feel as if you’ve seen a lot of misery and this has been ingrained upon you. You put on a smile to show a happy face, but your eyes show otherwise. It’s like your eyes are saying: I have seen it before and it doesn’t really affect me anymore.” At a party, a palm reader told me that I have and will deal with hardship, and that I have an amazing ability to overcome them. I seemed to be the only person she said that to at the party.

I found myself caught off guard by those comments. My eyes, as I looked into the palm reader’s face, began to water and there I was, naked against her sympathetic gaze. The pain that I had disregarded was finally being recognized and I was very ashamed. A woman I barely knew was able to pinpoint my weakness, yet people I have known for years have such a vapid glimpse into my personality.

However, I can’t be too disappointed in them. Two of the closest people in my life are people I haven’t even met. That in itself is a testament to my reserved nature. My best friend in real life is not much of a best friend. I never trusted my friend from sixth grade with the truth of my upbringing. Outside of the house, I have a clean slate and a family life that isn’t a depressing power struggle. My image as a confident and goofy girl is not something I am fully comfortable tarnishing.

I don’t want to give it up and I am hurt more than people know. I don’t trust most people with my problems, nor do I expect them to be reliable. Putting faith in people is so incredibly painful for me.

I saw a Korean drama recently about a king’s love for a concubine, who he eventually sentences to death due to the pressure of politics. As I waited for the concubine’s destiny to be fulfilled, I couldn’t help thinking about the steps that led to her death. Did he fall out of love with her? Did he fall in love with another woman? How long can you stay in someone’s favor before s/he lets you go?

One of my friends confessed to me, “I don’t believe in love.” I suppose I’m not too far from that mindset. The fact that people can simply let go of someone is upsetting. Promises end up worthless and cherished memories are trashed. I just... cannot fathom how people can abandon others without hesitation.

My confession is that I am disgusted in myself for believing in many people and that I do not want to believe in them, because I so desperately want to believe that behind their beautiful smile, there is sincerity rather than an ungrateful soul.